Any galactic merchant can tell you that the secret to success is staying on top of market news. Naturally, when I heard that Humanland was going to open the sulfur fields of Io to foreign investment, I knew that I had to get in on the ground floor. Or, my company did, anyway. The company that I intern for. But mostly me.

As good as my hard-hitting negotiating tactics are, this was clearly a task of a different sort. Obviously, I had to become an expert in Human culture in the three days that it would take to make my starliner journey. Luckily, I’ve always been something of a galactic citizen. I even went to Betelgeuse during my gap year – practically Humanland’s backyard!

Wasting no time, I went to the ship library to grab the travelers’ best friend – a copy of Zork’s Travel Guide! Of course, the Human one was well worn, with this being an AstroTerra flight. I took the opportunity to practice a few phrases of Spanish that I picked up from a couple I met on Betelgeuse. They must have been pretty spot on, because the librarian pointed me to the travel guide section right away!

I took up a seat on the couch, Zork’s guide in one pseudopod, warm mug of human “coffee” in another, and set to work like the true galactic businessperson that I was swiftly becoming. That couch and that library would become my perch for the whole flight. By the time we were pulling into orbit around Neptune I could tell you all the ins and outs of Humanity, second only to a native-born Human herself. For instance, did you know that humans have a reflex where their exterior gets bumpier when they’re cold or scared? Me neither, until that trip!

The sulfur deal was mostly planned out over the internet ahead of time. Basically all that was left was a human “handshake” to seal the deal. My business contact, my cousin’s college friend’s sister Fatimah, would meet me in Ganymede City. We’d finalize the sale and then my boss would be so impressed that I would finally get my promotion to Paid Intern. As ever, I needed to put my best foot forward. I took the opportunity during my stopover on Triton to pick up a few gifts to smooth things over. Only a few hours later, I was gliding down the orbital ring to the Ganymede City spaceport.

An interspecies conference room is a businessbeing’s best friend. The room had two doors, one on either side of a transparent wall, and a little airlock on the table in between to pass documents so no one had to wear a spacesuit. I had arrived at the conference room first, so I had the chance to set the atmosphere. Nitrogen-Oxygen on Fatimah’s side, and a pleasant Helium-ammonia for me.  Thankfully, I only had to wait a few hundred seconds before my soon-to-be business partner showed up.

“Umm, hi…Tli!Kongax, is it? Good to meet you. I’m Fatimah, from Surt Chemicals.”

“Oh yes, Konichiwa!” I flailed my pseudopods in what I hoped was a friendly wave.  It was time to put my Human skills to the test. “I would shake your hand in greetings if it weren’t for the atmosphere difference. I put models of human hands on each of our tables though, so we could shake those instead! I hope that’s close enough for you, haha.”

Fatimah stared down at the table for a while, before gently shaking the hand sculpture. I followed suit.  I could tell my cross-cultural gesture was a slam dunk. Fatimah opened the document airlock to return the model, and suddenly pinched her nose with her fingers, in what must have been a sign of respect. “Umm…” she said, although she was being incredibly quiet for some reason. “I see you put a sample of some of our sulfur in here.”

“Oh of course!” I replied. “Io sulfur is well known as the finest food-grade sulfur in this arm of the galaxy. I figured we could have a little snack. I know you humans don’t eat elemental sulfur, so I brought some potatoes also.”

Fatimah fell silent for a moment again, staring at the potato. Perhaps she was rendered speechless by my unexpected kind gesture? Or was I doing something wrong? I continued: “Isn’t it so cool that both our biochemistries involve sulfur? Even species from across the galaxy really have so much in common, you know. We just have so much to learn from each other, and cross-cultural commerce…”

“Yeah, hey, Tli!Kongax?” Fatimah interrupted, hesitantly at first. “Umm…look. I really appreciate your cultural gestures, and I know that you put in a lot of effort to make this meeting go well, but I…pretty much just need you to read the contract one last time and sign it. I’m sure a galactic entrepreneur such as yourself must have a very tight schedule to keep, and I don’t want this meeting to take any more time than it has to.”

“Oh.” I responded, waving my pseudopods again. (After all, she had mentioned the gestures).  I must admit that I was more than a little disappointed, but I tried not to show it. It was inevitable that someone as high up in a company such as Fatimah’s would have a tight schedule to keep, cultural exchange or not, and she was being very polite by deferring to my schedule rather than her own.

But I was suddenly hit by a wave of doubt.  Sure, I was on my way to becoming a high powered executive with a packed schedule, but right now my schedule was far from packed.  I was still just an unpaid intern who’d read a travel guide.  What was I even doing?

With my former confidence waning fast, I gave the contract a final look over before signing it and sending it back through the airlock. Fatimah released a mountain of tension from her shoulders.

“Well”, Fatimah said, “I’m glad we got that concluded.” Fatimah rose, reaching for a handshake, “It was a pleasure doing bu-”

There was a thump as Fatimah’s hand hit the glass.

A silent moment held as we both desperately tried to stifle laughter.  Then the dam broke loose.

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