(Check out the other booklets in the “Zork’s Guide” series at your local bookstore!)
About Zork
(pictured: Zork visiting a few of his human friends at their home settlement of “Ell-Ay”)
Interplanetary traveler Zork has been writing about inter-species hospitality almost since he wriggled from his spawn patch 2.4 x 1052 Planck times ago (that’s 41 human years!). When not traveling for work, Zork likes to spend his molting periods relaxing by the lahars of Kardas-V.
Introduction
So! You’ve made the acquaintance of a human! Perhaps your ammonia business wants to expand into their Kuiper Belt, or maybe your spawnmate’s friend from college is coming over for a holiday, or perhaps (like me) you’re just interested in making the galaxy a smaller place through the wonders of travel.
This booklet will explain some of the basics of interacting with humans, however this is no substitute for actual first in-person experience. Humans are generally very non-threatening, so if you don’t know something, just ask! Most humans I know would be happy to talk to a fellow being about some of the unique aspects of their life experience, such as eating bread or celebrating Diwali, so don’t be shy. Enjoy meeting your new human friends!
Essentials:
When playing host to a human, creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere should be at the forefront of your mind. 25 Kilopascals of diatomic oxygen at about 300 Kelvin is a good place to start, and most humans will be able to survive that just fine. Oxygen can be a very hazardous gas, but that is just one of the risks you have to take when meeting humans; it is, as always, very rude to force your guest to wear a spacesuit indoors.
If you want to make a good impression (and can spare the time and money), you can add up to 75 Kilopascals of Nitrogen (or Argon or Helium in a pinch) to remind your Human of Earth’s atmosphere: this tends to put humans in a much better mood. Having an extra gas on hand also has the bonus of helping you put out any fires that the Oxygen causes.
Either way, you should talk to your human guest ahead of time about what to expect. They may want to take some time to get used to your gas mixture, especially if you are going the “quick and easy” route, and they may even have some personal preferences about the temperature (a few degrees can be a frequent cause for arguments between humans sharing a building).
If you are hosting a human for more than a few thousand seconds, it would be polite to offer them some nourishment, as humans traditionally do when they host each other. The most important one is liquid water (H2O). The ancestors of humans lived in large oceans made of water, so humans and their relatives need some water in their bodies in order to keep themselves working. Most humans like to have at least three or four days’ worth of water inside of themselves just to be safe, and it is kind to offer some to replenish their stocks.
As for food, if you have read any of my other books you should know my cardinal rule of feeding aliens: “It eats what it’s made of”. Humans are no exception. Humans are mostly hydrogen, oxygen and carbon, and so are human foods. Be careful though: you can’t just put bits of graphite on a block of water ice and expect a human to like it! They’ll only want to eat certain compounds, and even something as simple as flipping the direction of a monomer can mean the difference between a tasty human “starch” and something that humans would rather use as a construction material!
If there is one nearby, visit a human specialty store and ask for some foods they recommend. “Bread” or “rice” are good options if you have to buy online. Having a variety of human foods on grasper is good, but be careful what you buy. Why, one time I tried to serve my human friend Achmed some “socks,”, but to my embarrassment, I found out that it is actually used for covering human appendages! (Luckily Achmed was very kind about the mistake.) Also, some human foods will stop being edible after a little while, so use caution, and try to buy not too far in advance of when your human might eat it (105 seconds is okay, 107 probably not).
*Zork’s Pro Tip: Fresh human food will last longer if you keep it in the human atmosphere, just a little above the freezing point of water!
I hope that this little guide can help you make a good first impression on your human friends. Check out later chapters for things like the ever-confusing unconsciousness ritual called “sleep,” or the rich and ancient history of Humanland. See you on Earth!
—Zork
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